The Stars Look Very Different Today

I’m at a loss for what I can say right now and not sound trite. Heartbroken isn’t the right word, it’s more than that. That word isn’t sufficient. David Bowie has been a constant in my life and the idea of a world, without him in it, is not one I am comfortable with in the slightest.

Music is the reason I am still alive. It has been the one thing I turn to when I can’t focus, when I need to decompress, when I need to recover. My entire life has a rich soundtrack, with countless songs attached to memories. Bowie’s music holds a pretty high percentage of my most vivid and important memories. 

Of all the tattoos I have (there are many), only one is music-related. It is a small 50s style rocket ship, on my left forearm. ¾ of that arm (from the shoulder down) is our solar system – a sleeve in progress. The rocket is my Major Tom rocket. It reminds me that the spaceship knows which way to go. I got it for my parent who passed away in 2008, as he requested “Space Oddity” be played at his funeral (not only was it, I coordinated the photo montage in time to the song). That song holds deep meaning for me, for that reason.

There was the project in high school (10th grade), where I had to pick a piece of music and write lyrics for it about a piece of literature assigned to me. The background music I chose was “Little Wonder” off of “Earthling” which had just come out… I remixed it myself, as an instrumental piece. I spent more time on that than the more important part of the assignment (being an English class and all). Still got an A, but I was far more focused on getting the remix perfect, because I didn’t want to disservice Bowie. Wish I still had that (it’s entirely possible I do somewhere on a tape).

I saw him perform multiple times, but nowhere near as many times as I would have liked. I was hoping there would be a tour for the new album just released. Seeing the post on his Facebook was a punch to the gut. I was in public, having a good time and the tears came immediately. I originally saw someone post on Instagram, didn’t believe it, and then the post from his page in my Facebook feed… his family confirming. I had to sit down. I sobbed. It couldn’t be real.

David Bowie is one of the bigger reasons I am unapologetically Jennifer at all times. His spark and uniqueness gave me permission to be myself. I have always looked the way I want to look, dressed the way I want to dress, while dancing to his songs the entire time.

I could write so much more about how David Bowie has immensely impacted my life, but Maow (my black cat, who has sort of taken over in Moya’s absence) just climbed onto my lap, purring and trilling. This means I’m getting overwhelmed and need to stop.

So I’ll end with this…

Magic doesn’t die and heroes live forever… so this isn’t real. My world will always have David Bowie in it. It has to.